You know this riddle, right?
A farmer is standing on one bank of a river, with a fox, a chicken, and
a bag of grain. He needs to get to the other side of the river, taking the fox,
the chicken, and the grain with him.
However, the boat used to cross the river is only large enough to carry
the farmer and one of the things he needs to take with him, so he will need to
make several trips in order to get everything across.
In addition, he cannot leave the fox unattended with the chicken, or
else the fox will eat the chicken; and he cannot leave the chicken unattended
with the grain, or else the chicken will eat the grain. The fox is not
particularly partial to grain, and may be left alone with it.
How can he get everything across the river without anything being eaten?
This is how I feel about grocery store visits with two kids now. It is a nonstop, honest to goodness, chicken,
fox and bag of grain riddle.
And I generally suck at riddles.
A woman is standing outside the local Kroger in a thunderstorm with a
five year old, a five month old and a week’s worth of groceries. In her left hand she holds her car keys, in
her right, the bottle of Advil she ripped open in the check out line so she
could down three before completing her transaction. At the bottom of her bag lies her crumpled
receipt and 75% of the coupons she had intended to use.
She has to get everyone into the car and home in one piece before she
can rest. Crap. Did I say rest? I meant before
she then has to put everything away and make dinner.
She can get to the car with everyone, but who to put in first? She can’t leave the five month old in the
cart alone…people call the police over stuff like that. Plus he’s really really
adorable and someone could kidnap him and keep him for their own. And she definitely didn't tote around a heart monitor for a month just to have that happen.
If it were Christmas, there might be a chance she could give her
Salvation Army donation with the condition that the bell ringer provide 45
seconds of babysitting. But alas, the
bells have been put away for the year.
Nothing but upselling girl scouts and there is no room for heavy Samoa
negotiations in this week’s budget.
She can’t leave the five year old in the little car attached to the
buggy that just HAD to be green. That’s where the chocolate milk is. Also, she’s pretty sure he’d defect to the
girl scout table and then this riddle would further complicate itself by blowing
the don’t-make-eye-contact-to-avoid-cookie-purchasing technique she intended to
use.
The groceries, left unattended will surely get soaked, and she doesn’t
want to have to go back to the grocery store, well, ever again really.
So how can she get everyone into the car and home most effectively?
It’s quite simple really.
She can do it by making an ill planned and poorly executed mad dash to
her car in the rain while screaming for everyone to hang on. She haphazardly throws her sweater over the
five month old and prays he can still get oxygen and that she doesn’t trip and
fall on her face. She then slams the
cart into the back of the car and begins running laps around her mom-mobile
grabbing little people and flinging them into car seats as fast as her
under-exercised legs can take her. It’s
a fairly impressive maneuver and she is proud of the fact that she only pauses
once to check Facebook.
She throws her purse and keys into the front seat and sprints to the
back of the car where she begins hurling groceries into any available crevice
in the trunk. Things spill over. Cans
end up on produce. Cokes get shaken. She knows at this point, that the bread is
not going to make it.
Last but not least, she precariously balances the milk and cokes at the
very edge of the trunk before slamming the door. She says a quick prayer that they won’t fall
out in the driveway.
Another mad dash to the cart return that she, yet again, failed to park
next to, and she is on the home stretch.
She walks triumphantly back to her car.
Not too cocky though, she still has to make it to the car without
getting hit by the gigantic SUVs that have appeared out of nowhere.
She gets into the driver seat of her car and takes a few minutes to
catch her breath and her sanity…well okay, to catch her breath and check
Facebook. It’s not long before the five
year old begins to ask why the car hasn’t left its space and the five month old
begins to scream.
She cranks the car and victoriously heads home. It’s a glorious moment until she realizes
that she has forgotten the garage door opener and she has to do this all again
in 2.5 miles.
She bursts into tears.
