My Birth Plan

Dear Medical Professionals:  I would appreciate a strict adherence to my birth plan. After much thought and consideration, I have decided that below is the optimal plan for providing the greatest and most holistic birth experience for me and my...well okay, for me.  

ATTENDANTS
I'd like the following people to be present during labor and/or birth:
  • My husband, Andy
  • The entire cast of Grey’s Anatomy, SEASON ONE (I will accept the cast of Scrubs as a last minute substitute)
AMENITIES
  •       I’d like an ocean view, non-smoking room 
  •       It would be nice if parking were included in my $1000 copay...or maybe a complimentary shuttle from my house.  I'm just putting it out there.  
  •       During labor and delivery, I will be catching up on Vampire Diaries Season 3 on Netflix with my headphones.  I’m assuming you’ve done this before so just tap me on the shoulder when you are ready to hand over the baby and at the end of the current episode I am watching, I will take him.
  •       I'd really love an ipad to stream my Netflix...but I don't want to be greedy.
  •       Do you have a program that offers any kind of discount tickets to shows or local restaurants? What about free babysitting coupons?  
HOSPITAL ADMISSION AND PROCEDURES
  •          I want the all-inclusive labor and delivery. Which means that in six months, I would like to not get a mystery bill in the mail for services provided that I cannot even pronounce. 
OTHER INTERVENTION
  • Again, I will be watching Vampire Diaries…so you know…call it like you see it.  You're the medical professional.
LABOR PROPS
  •          I will laugh in your face if you offer me a tub, a mirror, a pool, a squatting ball or anything that involves me not propped up in the bed streaming video to my iPhone.  I did not come to the hospital to work out or be grossed out in anyway. 
PAIN RELIEF
  •        I would like for you to begin administering the epidural while I’m in the lobby filling out paperwork.  Please have it ready.
POSTPARTUM
  • After delivery, I would like the baby in the room with me at all times, with a few small exceptions.  Please take to the nursery when the baby is crying, when I am trying to sleep, when the baby needs something, when the baby is awake, when I am on the phone (or playing a game on my iphone), and especially if I am eating a large Pinkberry and I feel that the baby is jealous or wanting of my frozen treat in any way.  
FEEDING:
  • Yes, to help avoid a Pinkberry mishap, please allow my baby to eat. Hungry babies are jealous babies.
HOSPITAL DISCHARGE:
  • I would like to stay at the hospital five days after my baby has been discharged.  Please see that I have a daily supply of Starbucks and Peanut butter M&M’s (after all, I’ve earned it).  Also, please keep the noise level on the hall where I am resting to a minimum (no babies crying, please) and if you must come in the room, refer to me exclusively as The Goddess.  

3 comments

anything but LoKEY said...

I think that just about covers it. ;P

Mike McLellan said...

Rachel:
I write a column for a local newspaper which is strong on humor with a hook hidden in it. Your blog is marvelous and I envy your wit and wisdom. Simply put, it is A-1. Thank you for making the Internet better.

Rachel said...

Thanks Mike! that's really nice to hear. I'll swing by and check out your site too!