Sound Financial Advice...Yes, From Me. What?

I didn’t post last week, because gas is too expensive.  I’m not sure how they relate…but I’m sure that they do somehow.   

Every so often, my husband, Andy, describes the beach house he wants to live in once he’s retired.  It sounds absolutely perfect.  When I hear him talking about it, my heart warms at the thought of us growing old together in our beach house.  We will take long walks on the beach, hand-in-hand, picking up seashells to give to the other one before going to dinner at 4PM.  It will be perfect.  Just like a Valtrex commercial.

I made the mistake once of asking when we would be moving.

He stared at me blankly and said, “Oh,” uncomfortably.  Apparently, he hadn’t thought to invite me.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  After seven years of marriage, I’m still not allowed to borrow his cds. 

And when I say that I'm not allowed to, what I mean is that I'm totally allowed to but I choose not to borrow them.  One of my spiritual gifts is the ability to render a cd unreadable to any given cd player.  It's like the anti-Midas touch...but with Aerosmith. So I chose to take that burden off of my shoulders by not borrowing them. I just don't want you to get the wrong idea about my insanely wonderful husband.

Moving on.

Every marriage counselor, church leader, married person and hot dog vendor will tell you to sit down and set financial goals together.  Envision your beach house (together).  Plan your finances or they will plan you…or something.  After all, you have to be able to sit down and have honest conversations about money. 

I really don’t want to do any of those things I just listed above. 

Marriages don’t fall apart due to money issues. They fall apart because you talk about money issues…plain and simple.

By the way, I define money issues as anything that makes you log into your online bank account.  To me wealth is never having to check a balance.  

If you have plenty of money, that’s great!  And by great, I mean go away.  I’m totally kidding.  Absolutely you should talk about money with your spouse. Bathe in it.  Burn it in your fire pit and invite the neighbors over to make s’mores. Celebrate your wealth.  And by celebrate your wealth, I obviously mean…go away.

I really mean it this time…go away.

If, however, on the 14^th and 29^th of each month, you are trying to scrape together a decent dinner using freezer burned Hot Pockets and that can of peas that has been in your pantry since before Hurricane Katrina to avoid spending money, I have some advice for you.  For the love of God...don’t talk about money.  Ever.  Talking about money leads to fights about money which left untreated over time, can lead to a lot of eye rolling behind the other one’s back. 

And it will always happen in the middle of the live finale of Survivor.  I don't know why. It just will.  

Look, it has absolutely never happened to me, but I know someone who knows someone who has a friend that this happened to. 

There is something to the saying that “ignorance is bliss.”  Not talking about money also gives you a false sense of wealth.  I have no problem with this.  This city is full of people who have a false sense of wealth.  Sign me up.

Okay, so that is the first part of my advice.  Did you get it.  Okay, let's recap.  If you don't have money, there is no need to make any financial plans...you have nothing to plan with.

No, Dave Ramsey doesn't read my blog.  Why do you ask?

Continuing forward with our finance chat, we have all been feeling the rising gas prices (I say all of us because, if you will remember, I asked the rich people to stop reading this post).   We are all friends here and I would like to share some sound financial advice for all my slightly cash strapped friends, calling in sick to their jobs every other week to save a day’s worth of gas. 

All those that cry out to God and beg, “Please God, give me a low grade fever, just enough of one to stay home, but not too much to warrant a copay."

I would like to take this time to stop and assure my father that, yes, I do have the 50 dollar bill in the back of my wallet for emergencies.  I gave it a pet name.  I call it Visa.  

Glad we got that covered.  So this is how I intend to save money this year. 

This year, for all major holidays, when I’m asked what I want as a gift…I’m cutting off a portion of my grocery list and handing it over.  What do I really want for my birthday?  I want several months’ worth of toilet paper and dish soap.  Do you know how much that would help a girl out?  Plus, one of the things I hate most in life is lugging toilet paper home from the grocery store.  This is 2nd only to getting a  case of bottled water home and is the primary reason why I will never join Costco.  

Speaking of presents, if you are planning to get me a gift this year, I really like Ragu, Robusto Three Cheese Spaghetti Sauce.  I'll wait while you write it down.

Here's my 2nd strategy.  Sam needs to start chipping in for gas.  There’s just no avoiding this one.  Times are tough and 150 years ago, he would be responsible for livestock or like 20 acres of our land so he’s really getting off easy here.  He can get a job, rob a bank, ask grandma…whatever.  Don’t ask don’t tell, but until gas gets back down to something reasonable or my job moves closer to my house, he’s gonna have to start pulling his own weight. 

If you want me to forward an email to look for someone, raise money, raise awareness or proclaim I am not ashamed of one thing or another…it’s going to cost you $1.  Time is money, people.  Time is money.

And finally, I’m going to sell a Groupon, for one week at Andy’s beach house.  Andy will be there.  You will have a blast.  Oh, man, I forgot…I wasn’t invited to Andy’s beach house.

Oh Shoot.  Well, sorry I missed you.