You will never have it all together again...

That's what the doctors should say after they offer the obligatory, "congratulations" and lay your infant on your belly at the hospital. Maybe its not the time. Maybe it would be a downer. Maybe it would fall on deaf or drugged up, starving ears. Who knows if it would mean anything, but that's what they should say.

It's me. It's been a while. I know. It's 12:30. I'm tired, but can't sleep. I should be in bed. But my routine now goes something like this. I get drowsy from the day around 7PM. That's after work but before the two to three dinners I make, before bath, and before a certain small fry's bedtime. That's when I could get on my pajamas and literally crawl into bed, fall asleep and not wake til 7 the next morning. 9PM - 9:30PM is the actual time frame when I am free to do so. My family has been fed in the necessary shifts and Samuel is clean and in bed. Although by this time, I'm zoning out to some show on tv that I can't believe I'm wasting my time on yet I can't change the channel and after the day I've had I feel entitled to mindless entertainment. By 11PM when I drag myself out of the chair to head to bed and I lay my head down on my pillow for some much deserved rest is when my head starts to swim. It swims with weekly schedules, work stresses, bad mommy memories, scenerios that could never possible happen that wreak havoc and worry in my exhausted mind and that is when there is inevitably guilt. I am no longer tired. I get up and wander around the house until I collapse from exhaustion around 2 or 3AM.

Will routine and the feeling that I have our lives under control always elude me? Am I ever going to go to bed on Sunday night and think, "Oh, no biggie, just another week? I got it covered." Lately, I have just felt as though I live in a constant state of being overwhelmed (as indicated by my FB status). It seems to affect everything. It is also made worse by every little, and on a normal day, insignificant thing. I find myself feeling stressed and guilty over things my son won't possibly ever remember. Does every mother feel this way? I think that it must be my specific situation, but I got a note from a friend this week (who I'll respond to soon) who has her child on a completely different schedule from mine and I can tell, she feels some of these things to. It's weird what happens when your child goes from baby to understanding toddler. They get it. They understand what things mean. They have feelings and opinions about them. They are not just laying in a crib watching a mobile spin. They don't just feel a little upset when you hand them over to someone at the church nursery, they genuinely don't want to go. They don't want you to go. They don't want to have to leave their house. As a parent, this stage of "objections" is daunting and I find that I'm constantly reevaluating my priorities. Not because I really think I'm doing anyone harm (especially since this centers around me being a working parent), but because having a child just makes you overly cautious, I think.

At any rate, I think I know the answer. The answer is that there isn't one answer. Parenthood is hard. There are constant doubts. Constant fears. Constant changing schedules. Every decision you make means there are sacrifices you also have to make. Mostly there are constant reminders, just as the doctor should have told me, that I will never have it all together again...

I guess if with that, you get a beautiful set of blue eyes, a healthy body, an infectious giggle and a love that you could never describe, it's well worth a few hours of sleep at night.


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